Anti Diet
I’ve been trying to shrink my body for 23 years. Since I was the age of 11 years old I have thought of nothing but losing weight, reaching the “proper” BMI for my height, getting to that next goal weight. If someone told me they were trying to do ANYTHING for 23 years and they were unsuccessful at every attempt, I wouldn’t understand why they haven’t given up. Why haven’t they accepted reality that it is not something that can change. If we applied this logic with anything else in life, we would understand why someone would decide to stop trying. So why don’t we afford the same understanding to fat folks?
I started gaining weight when I hit puberty, which was consequentially around the same time my parents separated and eventually divorced. When going through so many changes, we all find a coping skill. I went to food for comfort. When I started gaining more weight than my peers, I was pressured to go on a carb restrictive diet at the age of 14 or 15. As my pubescence body was shrinking, I was receiving the praise and attention I craved. With every pound lost I felt it added to my value to others. I was wanted, loved, like I was doing something important and good. That really fucks with you at a young age.
I would go into my 30s chasing this feeling and validation from others. I was told that no boy would like me if I didn’t lose weight. I wouldn’t be as depressed if I lost some weight. My body, weight, size, number on the scale the last time I looked consumed me almost every moment of every day. Every time I decided to eat something, I would break it down in my head of how “good” or “bad” the food is. I would spend most days hungry and learn to enjoy the feeling of hunger because that meant I was losing weight. I would restrict foods Monday through Saturday and then Sunday I would have a “cheat day.” What in the actual fuck is a cheat day? Every thing about the phase “cheat day” implies it is bad, and because you have them you are inherently bad as well.
I would approach these cheat days with reckless abandon. I would eat and binge whatever I wanted. I would eat until it was painful all day long because when the clock struck 12 we are back on track! We are not eating carbs or whatever food the media is currently telling us it is bad.
No bread. No Pasta. Only meat. Doesn't matter what kind, just eat a pound of bacon! But a slice of bread? You’re fucked. Only veggies, but not potatoes because thats a carb and not a veggie. Watch how much fruit you eat because the sugar and it’s basically candy! Pop? You’re kidding right?
This is just the shit I would say to myself internally, let alone the shit that was said to my face. The enormity of my body was always on my mind. The fact that people felt they needed to comment on it truly blows my mind. Like I know I’m fat! I’ve known I was fat the moment when I couldn’t shop in the same stores as the majority of my friends at the age of 13. When all of a sudden I was SUPER into jewelry, handbags, and shoes.
Growing up fat is traumatic, it truly is. I would have suicidal thoughts, rather be dead than fat right? I would trim my hair or bangs, and think….”what if I just tried to cut my belly off? Yeah it would hurt, but maybe in emergency surgery they would just remove the whole thing and I’d wake up out of a coma thin.” or “maybe I’ll get some liposuction, I’ll save my allowance and when I’m old enough I’ll have the procedure done.” The desire to be thin and to get there quick was always on my mind. You have to remember this is the time when Jessica Simpson was a mere size 8 or 10 and magazines would call her fat and that she “let herself go.”
Trying to find clothing in my size was so hard. Growing up in the early 2000s there were essentially no fashionable and age appropriate options for a plus size preteen and teenager. Countless trips to department stores where I couldn’t fit into the junior section and I resorted to the missy or women's section where I would cry in the dressing room. All the clothes were too old for me, I wanted to wear those MUDD jeans!
My style throughout high school ended up being mainly band tees and jeans, because if I could at least find a pair of jeans that fit, I can definitely find a band tee because they came in mens sizes. When the mall opened a Torrid, I was about 15 years old and it was my very own Valhalla. One store. One store opened that had fashionable clothing in my size. I was fortunate enough that my family could afford to shop for me there because being fat comes with a price as well. Most basic clothing items are damn near double the cost of what a straight sized person would pay. Additionally, there weren’t any other options. A plain black hoodie at a department store and at Walmart are two very different prices, but for a fat person? Pay up at this one store or go without.
Another super neat part of being fat is body dysmorphia. Not everyone suffers from this but I know a lot of fat folks that do. No matter what size I was at the moment, all I would see is the imperfections in my body. What was wrong with it. What I thought needs to be smaller, look different, or change completely. From a size 12 to a 26 my body has always looked the same to me. Bad. I still struggle with this today. I always will. I’ll have good days and bad days. I’ve learned how to manage those days so that I don’t spiral.
In 2021 I started to work on healing myself from these thought processes and negative obsession with my body. Attending body neutral workshops via zoom with groups of people. We would discuss the root of fatphobia, why dieting never works, medical discrimination and how to navigate a world that actively fights against your fat body. The community that I found with complete strangers has been a very healing and a compassionate place. Learning how to love or at least accept my body for what it is in that moment and appreciate it for all that it does for me has been really healing. Allowing space for compassion for myself when I don’t feel the greatest has been so important for me during this process.
Even though having all of this support and community around me, I still was having trouble mentally. Should I go on a diet? Maybe I’ll start the Beachbody stuff again, maybe I’ll look into the gastric bypass. With everything I’ve learned in the workshops, societal influence to be thin was still heavily on my mind. It’s truly amazing how deeply engrained these thought can be. Diet culture is everywhere and it is constantly thrown in our faces in ways we don’t even realize. So how do you actively fight these kinds of thoughts and behaviors? Therapy!
A year ago I made an appointment with a nutrition therapist because I didn’t want to go on another diet, do Beachbody, or have a life altering surgery. I was essentially spiraling with my thoughts and I just wanted my mind to shut the fuck up. The immense shame I’ve felt for over 2 decades needed to end. I truly couldn’t take it any longer. Turns out I have an eating disorder. Shocking! I know right? For a year I’ve been learning how to eat again. Yes, learning how to eat. Learning hunger queues, and really listening to my body. Honoring my hunger instead of ignoring it.
It’s unbelievable overall damage diet culture does on a person. Even with working with this therapist for a year, I still have bad body days. And if I’m being honest, I will have to work on this for the rest of my life. However, the amount of freedom I’ve experienced since working with this therapist has been amazing. I have never taken care of myself in the way that I am now. I have so much more compassion and love for myself that I actually want to take care of myself. I no longer allow myself to starve because “it’s okay to miss a meal.” I’m sure I’ll have more to say about my experience with this therapy at some point, but this is what I have for now.
I am fed. I am well. I am enough. This is something I’ve been seeking for years.
Enjoy this beautiful poem by Mary Lambert <3