Breaking Up

We always hear about romantic relationships ending. It’s a fairly common thing. Most of us, if not all of us go into relationships with the expectation, or reality of “this could come to an end one day.” We have this imaginary expiration date. We don’t know when it is, but we know when it’s expired, it’s time to throw it away and move on.

After a particular friendship of mine ended, I asked my therapist why it hurt so much. She said “we don’t expect friendships to end.” I was blown away. I don’t know why I never thought of that. It’s why I go to therapy (:

How many friendships have you gone into and thought “I wonder how long this will last?” Not many of us, and I would bet zero. Unless you are some kind of psychopath. In my personal experience with this, I’ve had a few friendships end. All of them hurt in different ways.

One was with a friendship that was built on not liking another person. I’m not proud of that one bit, but it was a bonding thing. After the fun with not liking that person wore off, we actually became friends. We would hang out, go to dinner, smoke cigarettes, drink, all of the normal things friends do. Then this person moved away, but through long distance we remained friends. We would text daily and on Saturdays we would talk on the phone while both of our partners were working. We would spend hours on the phone, mainly talking about the wedding she was planning for the upcoming fall. I was not part of the wedding party, but just like every wedding I’ve ever been in, someone dropped out or the bride was no longer friends with said person. So now I’m in this wedding, which I was happy to do. I didn’t think much of it. She didn’t want an uneven number. I thought we were close enough, and I was honored to be chosen to celebrate that day with her. A lot of this wedding was DIY: food, decorations, music, etc. The day of the wedding approaches, and I find myself in the kitchen cooking. I felt sad for my friend because not very many people volunteered to help, even though she had family coming. I made the mac and cheese and heated up some canned green beans, but I was happy to give a helping hand to make sure she didn’t have to worry about it.

Fast forward to a few weeks after the wedding, we are still texting and chatting. This was the type of friend that had a hard time looking for positives. Always had to find something negative to talk about, and when solutions were presented, there was always a reason why those didn’t work. I had a very hard time with this, and one day, I just blew up, via text. I’m sure what I said was mean, callous, and they didn’t deserve my venom. I had a lot of personal things going on and did not know how to set boundaries.

That was the last time we ever spoke.

Another friendship that I had end was pretty unfortunate. I was friends with her for as long as I can remember. We basically knew each other since diapers. A childhood friendship that I thought would stand the test of time. I was also in her wedding because a friend dropped out. (good enough to be the second choice but not the first! Lol)

This friend was the light and airy friend. Pick up right where you left off. Go with the flow. Make each other laugh. We just enjoyed each others company. We had funny childhood stories to share too.

This friendship I ultimately just let go of. It came down to fundamental differences. Her lack to listen and learn over arguing her point. I have a really hard time with people that refuse to admit when they are wrong and refuse to correct themselves or learn from their mistakes. My heart remains open for this person to see the other side of things, but I don’t really see that happening.

The most painful friendship that I lost blindsided me. Another friendship built on the mutual hatred of someone we use to be friends with in high school. (yes, I’m seeing a trend, and I also think this is just young girls). She was my right hand, my bff, my other half, my shoulder, and my drunk meatball. We even worked together. We were a packaged deal in every situation. I’ve seen her at her lowest and she had seen me through mine. I held her hand as she went through a divorce, and she was there the night after that my brother committed suicide. We toted each around town from bar to bar as she coped with her divorce and I with my brother’s death.

We were trauma bonded.

She had one of those family that basically adopted you. I could just walk into their house, sit on the couch with her mom and watch tv. I attended family reunions and parties. We would drink and eat while sitting around a fire. They were my extended family.

When I moved to Miami I know she felt abandoned by me. However, she also understood how important it was for me as well. I’ll blog about that one day. We stayed in contact and spoke every day like I never left. We just didn’t physically see each other. She came to visit me in Miami and it was like we didn’t miss a beat. We got drunk on the beach and played in the ocean. She left and we went back home, and I stayed there for 2 years.

In the winter of 2018, she lost her mom. This brought up a lot of grief for myself, and I truly didn’t know how to navigate it. It was almost like I was reliving my brothers death all over again. The truest definition of being triggered by something. Her grief, and honestly my grief of losing yet again another person in my life that was important to me as well, resurfaced a lot of feelings that I was not prepared for. I don’t believe I supported her in the way that she needed, but I saw she had a great support system around her. I was comforted by this as I slipped into the background of dealing with my own feelings and grief. I won’t add any more details about this friendship ending. Mainly because I know I fucked up towards the end and to respect the her privacy.

I let grief, anger, and resentment get the best of me. I said things that were very hurtful. I was hurt, and hurt people like to hurt people. I was not a good friend towards the end and honestly, neither was she. It’s like we both knew it had reached it’s end without actually vocalizing it.

In April of 2020, I reached out. I never got a response.

The part of friendships ending that is so painful is the erasure. A friendship that lasted 10-12 years in a social media society is a lot to deal with. Removing all of the pictures together, untagging yourself from their pictures and from mutuals. Then what do you do with them? Delete them? What if things turn around? Pulling down photos from a decade of friendship is hard. Uploading them to a cloud so they don’t live on your phone as a constant reminder. Then Facebook memories come around and show you something you missed, so then you go through the whole process again. A song comes on that reminds you of them and you either change it or you just sit and listen and remember the good times.

I think actual the worst part is people asking you about the them and how they are doing. We were truly two peas in a pod. So when I would run into someone that knew the two of us, it would take everything in me to suck back tears (most of the time unsuccessfully) and let them know that I’m no longer in contact.

These are the things that no one prepares you for. You never see this in movies or tv shows. The characters always make up after a falling out. We really have no frame of reference on how to navigate these very real scenarios that happen.

We eventually move on from romantic relationships by fulfilling them with another one. I don’t know how to fulfill a friendship that has ended, or if it’s even possible. It just hurts, and I feel like there will always be a corner of my heart that will fondly remember them.

In the end, I wish them all the happiness and a fulfilling life.