I’m an Atheist

I remember being 6 years old during a Saturday night church service where I told my dad (who was running sound for the church band), that I just asked Jesus into my heart. My dad was thrilled and gave me a big hug.

6 years old.

Did I even know what that meant?

Or was I just assimilating what I was being exposed to?

I remember telling my Catholic Aunt that she wasn’t going to heaven because she wasn’t Christian. Not realizing that Catholicism was another form of Christianity. Even after being corrected, still thinking to myself of course, she wasn’t going to heaven because she didn’t believe the same way I did.

I grew up as an evangelical Christian. We went to church 3 times a week. Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night.

I remember changing churches from the one where Jesus “entered my heart” at the innocent age of six, to the church that I would end up leaving forever.

I was in the 3rd grade, I remember this because I was in the 3rd and 4th grade Sunday school classes taught by someone who I swore was 80 years old, Mrs. Scardina. I remember my first day in that Sunday school class. I was wearing a dress that my mother made. There was a brief time in history where my mother sewed. We kids were the victims of her works.

I remember meeting another girl in that Sunday school class that was also homeschooled. I had never met anyone homeschooled in a social situation. We instantly became friends and are still friends to this day.

Fast forward to 5th to 6th grade...we would have class taught by different people in the church. My favorite church service was Sunday night, because that’s when Mrs. Lacey taught class. I remember we turned out the lights and sat in a lamp lit corner of the classroom with pillows made out of old teeshirts (why was that a thing?) and talked about demons and different types of demons. Ultimately she taught us how to ward them off with the word of God. It was so fascinating, unfortunately it was short lived. Some kid got scared and she wasn’t allowed to teach us anymore. We needed cherry picked stories of sunshine and rainbows and Jesus’ unfailing love and mercy, as long as we were obedient to God and our parents.

I attended a summer camp that was 4 days long with all my friends from church. Outside of homeschool groups this was the only social interaction I really had.

Those few days at church camp were the best! Wordstock 99!

We swam, crafted, played kickball, and every night we would have service by the fire. Picture the documentary Jesus Camp.

By the time I hit high school age, our church hired a youth pastor from Fort Worth, Texas. The prior youth pastor was mysteriously fired and never seen again. If you are from this background this type of thing is not uncommon.

This pastor from Texas was bright shiny and new. He taught us not only about Jesus but how we could have a “personal relationship” with him. This youth pastor was young and hip and related to us. Naturally, as an impressionable kid, I loved learning from him. His wife and kids were great! My friend group would have outings with them and we would hold events, such as lock ins and concerts at our church. We redecorated the entire gymnasium to look more appealing to the youth, complete with a coffee bar!

I was fully invested in this church, I had a solid friend group who all had similar ideas and backgrounds. I was what you called “on fire for God.”

I do have a memory where I questioned if what we believed was right. I specifically remember sitting in our posh youth group cafe asking my friends “What if we are wrong? What if we get to the “pearly gates” and they say, sorry it wasn’t christianity, it was buddhism.” I honestly cannot remember what their response was, but I’m sure it was shock to them for me even bringing it up or doubting. We were taught to never doubt the word of God.

One of the big trips we would make as a youth group was a Christian convention called “Acquire the Fire” held in Pittsburgh and other major cities. It was a weekend event where we would watch skits of common teen struggles, concerts of popular christian bands, and of course the infamous sermon and alter call.

We lived for these weekends. We needed that fire to be rekindled. I remember one particular year, I felt it necessary after the weekend to get rid of ALL of my secular music and only listen to Christian bands. Of course, with the exception of a few of my favorite non Christian bands. I loved Jesus, but he wasn’t going to take Something Corporate and Brand New from me.

My junior year of high school our youth paster was fired, he and his family moved back to Texas. It was unclear to me why he was fired, I heard rumblings in the church like they didn’t like that he wore ripped jeans. He was a youth pastor...trying to relate to teens. I left the church, I didn’t understand how they could let someone like him leave that was having such a huge impact on the youth.

My best friend Erin, and I tried to find another youth group in the local area. I had my license, so I would pick her up and we would drive all over the county visiting different churches to find a new youth group. We ended up just going to Starbucks on Wednesdays, getting coffee and talking for hours. We found church within each other.

Graduating high school I had the plan of going to a Christian University where I would study to become a youth pastor. The summer between high school and college, I joined a Pro-Life group that toured summer Christian festivals and would pray outside of abortion clinics with signs about abortion. I made it maybe 2 weeks into what should have been a half summer before I went home. The entire time I was there I woke up nauseous and I went to bed nauseous, looking back it was probably anxiety or a panic attack. I went to one festival to sell merch for them, then called my dad to save me and left the tour.

I attended Lee University in Cleveland, Tennessee. It was a Church of God school, another form of christianity that I didn’t know existed. I went into my freshman year with an undeclared major because of my experience over the summer. I was very unsure about a lot of things. I often refer to this one year of college as a pivotal time in my life. I met life long friends, and I was exposed to a lot of ignorance of other christian kids along with being painfully aware of my own ignorance. I remember my friend Robert and I would talk about how much we hated Christians, but still believing ourselves. We always talked about how Pastor’s kids were the worst. They were very arrogant. I built a friend group during the one year of college and we would often refer to our group as our church. We fellowshipped with each other, we loved and took care of each other. It was probably the closest thing to what the Bible describes as how a church should function.

For some reason, that would be an entirely different entry, I left college and moved back home to Ohio where I would go to cosmetology school. After graduating from cosmo school and obtaining my license, I moved back to Tennessee. Only to Chattanooga where my mom lived. I was to transfer my cosmetology license there and find a job. I was definitely chasing the times of that freshman year of college. Unfortunately, they don’t tell you that when your friends are busy working and studying, they don’t have time for you, as you are outside of their world. Which is totally understandable.

Living with my mom did not work out, another entry for another day, I moved back to Ohio, yet again, to find my way. I wasn’t really going to church. I attended a few services at the church where my dad went. Still never fully back to what I was years ago in high school.

This was really long winded way of saying that I am an Atheist. When I de-converted it was a long process. One of the things I listened to that really changed my mind was a talk by Seth Andrew’s from the Unholy Trinity Tour. He spoke about reading the Bible without “God goggles” like the Bible was a love letter from God to me and to read it for what it truly was. He went through the probability of events in the Bible actually happening and it just clicked.

For long time I was an angry atheist, which I think everyone goes through when they de-convert. I remember growing up being told that if I prayed and was obedient to God and my parents, He would answer my prayers. If my prayers weren’t answered I probably did something to anger God and I didn’t deserve what I prayed for.

I remember praying for my parents to stay together, they still got divorced.

I prayed my brother would stop using drugs, but he still got addicted to heroin and took his life after years of hopelessness.

I prayed God would cure my grandma’s cancer, but she still died.

I prayed God would heal my Uncle of his sclerosis of the liver, and he still died.

I had a lot of reasons to be angry with God.

My sweet friend Carly and I stayed up late one night discussing why I don’t believe anymore and when I said the above she made the comment “so you just want God to be a genie and grant all your wishes.” I don’t believe I had a good response at the time. After thinking about that for some time later, I wanted to know why was Jesus and God presented to me that way then? Why was I told that if I was a good little Christian girl that all my prayers would be answered? It was psychologically and emotionally damaging. It was the constant trying to be on my best behavior, being obedient and getting nothing in return. I know there are some Christians out there reading this thinking I’m being selfish and that God probably revealed himself to me in some other way, and I did experience that to some degree. I aced a test that I studied really hard for, or I got out of a sticky situation that could have harmed me, or I went to bed sick, prayed for health and woke up “healed.”

It’s so much more than that for me though, it’s hard for me to put it into words. The Bible was written YEARS after Jesus supposedly existed. It was written by man, it was canonized by man. We are taught from the same book that man is fallible and God is not, so we are supposed to follow a book written by man? There are stories in the Bible that we are told to be true, but science has debunked and reason advises that it’s impossible.

I’ve felt the same chills and euphoria during concerts and meditating as I did when I would be in a church service worshiping Jesus. So that taught me that one can exist without the other. I chose the path that was less guilt filled and full of reason and science.

It’s interesting to me that when I tell someone I’m an atheist the response is always shock and disbelief. As if someone like me couldn’t be this way. I believe that’s because using the word atheist has a negative connotation and has for years. If I had told them I was a christian, I wouldn’t get the 3rd degree as to WHY I was christian. But I ALWAYS get the 3rd degree when I say that I don’t believe. Maybe it’s the proselytizing of the christian faith that they are taught to do. Maybe people think they can “save me” or bring me back to the Lord. I am a lost sheep among the heard.

I’ll tell you one thing, being without belief has been the most freeing time of my life so far. I no longer live in fear that my actions are going to have spiritual consequences. When I practiced Christianity, it was taught that this world is not our place, that we belong in heaven with Jesus. So I was waiting around to basically die. To die was an achievement because you were heading to the most beautiful place ever. You would be rewarded for your good works on earth.

Now that I don’t believe that place exists, I fell like I can enjoy my life. I don’t look at the world like a waiting queue to get to the “good place.” I feel like this is the good place and I can make it whatever I want it to be. I feel like I can actually live my life any way I seem fit, with no spiritual consequences. Do you know how freeing that is?! It’s amazing! A peace has washed over me.

I do believe Christians can feel these same things, but for me, I had to let go of the ideology to really feel free.

I can be a good person without trying to score points with the big man upstairs. I can be good because I want to be good. I can be nice because I want to be nice. I can help people because I want to help people.

Again, not saying that’s the only reason Christians do these things, but I do believe it’s a motivator.

Coming out as an atheist in a predominantly christian family and country is scary. I run the risk of family members, friends, coworkers, or even complete strangers treating me differently or completely cutting me off. I will always respect their homes and never make a scene, don’t you worry. If you want to pray before a meal, I will bow my head our of respect for you. Jesus, broke bread with non believers and sinners right? If you want to invite me to church, I will kindly decline and ask to go to a movie or dinner, or find another way to spend quality time. I never want to be pushy with my lack of belief how christians have been pushy with the love of christ. That’s just not my deal.

If you’re still with me at this point, I hope you will accept me for who I am. I’m not in the market of telling you you’re wrong for what you believe. That is yours and only yours. However, if you ask me a question, don’t get upset with my answer. You might not like it or I may not have one for you. And that’s okay!

I hope this has challenged you in some way to think critically of what you believe and why you believe it. I am always open for a respectful discussion.

Kloveyoubye.

Some of the things I referenced:

Jesus Camp - https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Camp-Becky-Fischer/dp/B000KLQUV2

Seth Andrew’s Talk - https://youtu.be/8tVBtyDqD90