Body Neutrality
I started hating my body at a very young age. I started gaining weigh when I was about 11 years old, maybe younger. I was well aware that my body was different than other kids my age. I remember crying in dressing rooms because the clothes that I wanted to wear didn’t fit, and the clothes that did fit, I didn’t want to wear.
I was 15 years old when my mom convinced me to go on the Atkins diet with her. Her own internalized fatphobia was carried down to me. I don’t blame my mom, she was only doing what she thought was best for herself and her daughter. She too is a victim of diet culture. I believe this is where my ED started. That’s another story for another day. I remember losing like 30 pounds in less than 3 months. I was praised for my shrinking body. No matter the amount of compliments I received...I still hated my body. It was just smaller.
How fucked is that?
I thought losing weight would be like a switch where I would just be happy at a smaller size. Even though I shrunk, I knew I had to lose more! I needed to be the right BMI for my height. So even though I shrunk, I didn’t shrink enough, so therefore, I’m still a failure, and I should still hate my body.
Just like all diets, they failed, and I gained all the weight and then some back. I had moved in with my dad shortly after this. He was always encouraging, told me “real women have curves” and that I’m beautiful no matter what. I also started public school at this time as well. I had never been in public school until I was 16 and a size 16. All the girls around me, size 0, 00, 3, and 5. I felt ginormous. I hated it. I remember before I started public school, I was talking to a boy online that went to the same school. When I entered school, I met him in person, but he stopped talking to me. I had been told by my friend that he said that “I was a bit of a muffin” and that he wasn’t interested. My little 16 year old heart was crushed, AND HE WASN’T EVEN THAT CUTE. So I thought, well if this guy thinks I’m fat, then I’ll never get a boyfriend.
I lived a very uncomfortable life, always covering up, always trying to hide.
Fast forward to what is now the Body Positive movement. I saw fat girls on instagram celebrating their bodies, telling people that they are beautiful just as they are, and that it’s okay to love your body. I thought, where has this been my entire life?! This is wonderful! I followed these creators and found cute clothes to make me feel better about my own body. I felt seen. Well, at least online.
Once the phrase “Body Positive” started getting traction, it was quickly co-opted by thin people, or people in the health and wellness community. Fat people alienated, again. You start seeing thins and mediums talk about how they are body positive and how they love their body, while simultaneously working out everyday and practicing intermittent fasting. Do you Becky? Do you really love your body?
That’s nice in all, but you aren’t actively discriminated in society. You’ve never been to a doctor for a check up and they tell you that you need to lose 150-200 pounds before they even know you or try to actually help you. They tell you if you lose weight all your problems will go away.
You’ve never been seated at a restaurant where you were uncomfortable at your table, because you have a hard time fitting in a chair or booth. You’ve never been at a family gathering where you have to figure out which chair will hold your weight or you resort to standing the entire time because there doesn’t seem to be a good option. In group photos, you try to hid behind people, but you are short so they put you up front. Boarding a plane to watch the person who is already seated have a look of dread because I will be sitting next to them.
You’ve never spent the majority of your life trying not to exist or hide.
Maybe you have, but not because you’re fat.
I tried being positive about my size and my body, but turns out I still hated it. No matter how many times I tried to love my body, I still hated things about it. Then I’d feel guilty about being down on myself, because “beauty at every size!”
It’s exhausting and emotionally damaging trying to be positive about something you simply cannot be positive about.
I recently discovered something called Body Neutrality.
Basic google definition: Body neutrality is a philosophy that you should focus on what your body can do for you rather than what it looks like.
I have such a hard time being positive about a body that I’ve hated for over 20 years. The emotional damage still there. The hateful self talk is still there. The years of hating this or that part of my body, then to flip a switch and say “I LOVE MY BODY” through body positivity is just not realistic.
What I can work towards is being neutral about my body image. My body holds my heart and my mind. It has legs and feet that carry me places that I want to go. It has semi good eyes to see things that I want to see. It has arms to squeeze my loved ones so tight. I am learning to have gratitude for this bag of bones, flesh, and fat.
Even if I was what society deemed to be the correct BMI or size, I would still find something wrong and something to hate. Society would still find something wrong with me. We have this notion that we would be happy at a certain size or a goal weight, and that’s not true at all.
I need to heal the bully that I’ve internalized for the last 20 years. I need to believe my boyfriend and friends when they tell me I look good or that I am beautiful just the way I am.
I’ve spent years thinking so little of myself that it’s hard to even love myself the tiniest bit.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever will. I can only work towards it.
Some of the things that I am working on to reach this neutrality with my body image is listening/reading books about intuitive eating to heal my relationship with food. I am done with dieting or “working on my nutrition” for the sake of weight loss. I am working to rephrase my self talk when I go down a hole of negativity. I’m going to try to not completely and totally analyze the food I choose to nourish my body with. I’m going to try to find books on this subject and how to apply it to everyday life. If you know of a book, please send your suggestions! I’m going to exercise because I like to, not because I hate my body or want to change it in some way. Those are not good motivators for me anyway. I’m going to unfollow social media pages that make me feel like shit about myself. Socials that make me compare myself to that person and how I’m a failure in comparison. I can get so wrapped up in the 5% I see of other peoples lives that I will feel bad about our own.
I know this is going to be hard and I have a lot of work to do, but I am ready. I know I will have good body days and bad body days. How I handle them will be where the mindset shift needs to take place. On bad body days, I beat my self up and tell my self, “alright time to get serious, we will start the nutrition plan and we will wake up early to get that workout in.” One good days, I wear cute clothes, put on makeup, go for a drive, get a coffee, listen to fun music, and sing at the top of my lungs. I’m not thinking about diets or how I hate my body. This is a cycle I wish to break but I know it will circle for awhile as I work through this.
I’m ready to live my life as is. I’m not going to hold myself back because I don’t have the body I think I need to have. If I wait around to reach a goal weight or body, I’ll miss out on everything.
Links for articles I’ve read on Body Neutrality:
https://www.onewomanproject.org/blog/2020/9/9/concept-body-neutrality
https://www.healthline.com/health/body-neutrality
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-is-body-neutrality_n_5b61d8f9e4b0de86f49d31b4