Insulated

I’ve been thinking about how insulated we have been for the last year as a society.

If you took Covid measures seriously, you stayed home, (if your job afforded you that ability), and you kept your circles small or even just with your immediate family. Your outside world was brought to you by the device in your hand and the curated feed you scroll through daily, sometimes all day. You may come across someone you disagree with. You can either leave them there, unfollow their posts, or straight up unfriend that person.

If the past year has taught me anything, a year of isolation and scrolling through my own echo chamber, you realize some people aren’t what you thought they were. Hell, I’m not the person you may think I am. There has been a massive amount of growth within myself as I’ve been forced to stay home with my own thoughts, looking at the outside world through a 6 inch screen.

You are surrounded by your loved ones, and with little to no interaction with a physical human being outside of your bubble, you can be very disappointed with folks you once associated with. Everyone is all of a sudden a keyboard warrior.

There are good and bad things about spending a year in isolation. One of the bad things is you realize that connections that you once had, are no longer connections at all. That people you always kept in your expanded circle, hit some odd wavelength and poof, they are out of your orbit. Sometimes people leave your orbit by simply not speaking to you, and leaving you questioning everything. Other times people leave you hurt and nothing you can do to salvage it. Sometimes a combo of both.

One of the good things about this isolation, along with an election year, also paired with the only social outlet being the internet, it has exposed people who they really are. That was truly to our own benefit.

I severed ties with acquaintances that defended the murder of a man in cold blood, believed that a coup was okay, and that burning down a Target was not. I don’t want to be acquaintances or friends with people that aren’t actively trying to change the world for the better. I don’t want to live in a society that values property over a life. Lets the police be the jury, judge, and executioner. Doesn’t believe every life deserves healthcare, an education, or a living wage.

I don’t have time for people that don’t agree with affording people basic human rights and are too busy with misdirecting the actual issue with a buzzword like “cancel culture” or positive posts about what’s currently going on in their own life. Read the room.

Sometimes you outgrow people and that’s okay.

For the longest time I have tolerated people for treating my like shit under the guise of friendship. For as long as I can remember I’ve never really been honest with how I’ve felt in situations that made me uncomfortable. I’m always afraid of upsetting people. I’ve always been known to have a “go with the flow” kind of attitude, and never really knew how to put my foot down in situations I did not care for. I recognize this is a trauma response for trying to keep the peace. I need to evaluate instances where I am uncomfortable, feel slighted, and stick up for myself. I need to assess if it’s important to speak up and voice my discomfort or how someone has wronged me. Normally I would brush it off and move on but I would ALWAYS remember how I felt and how someone made me feel. It’s like my mouth is sealed shut and I just deal with it to keep peace or to not ruffle feathers.

I’m done.

I refuse to do that anymore. If someone is actively making me uncomfortable or I feel I’ve been wronged. I will point it out. What you do with that information is up to you. If you value me as a friend or even a human, you will recognize your wrongs and actively work to correct it or understand why I am upset.

Now that I’m sitting here, reflecting on things, I realize that I have lost several friendships or people in my life for not speaking up for myself. I just take it and take it until I eventually blow up and unload on the person and poof! They’re gone. Looking back on lost friendships, I realized I put so much into them with so little in return. I let people use me, and all I wanted in return was friendship and acceptance. This is definitely something I would like to deconstruct in therapy and maybe revisit later in another entry.

I am fortunate enough to have friends and a partner that have taught me my worth. Why I am worthy of love and respect at the bare minimum. These are the friendships I want to invest in and cultivate. These are the kind of people that you will have in your life forever. How does that saying go? “If you have to force a fart, it’s probably shit” replace “fart” with friendships or something like that.

In a way I am grateful that Covid threw us into an involuntary isolation. It has showed me that I do not have to give energy to people that don’t have the same moral fiber that I find value in. Stop shrinking yourself into spaces you have outgrown. Learn from it and work for a more peaceful existence. You will always have fond memories from the past, but that’s what they will remain to be.

This line from a song has been running through my head all week:

“We are never what we intend, or invent.” -At The Bottom by Brand New