Halloween

If you’re new here and don’t already know, Halloween is my favorite holiday. When I was going up, I was not allowed to celebrate it. I was told that it was an evil day and that it was Satan’s birthday. (what? Lol). I believed that candy would be laced with razor blades, needles, or be poisoned. I was told that witches would steal my black cat, and sacrifice her for the devil. Halloween night was something to be feared, the devil was just around the corner waiting to getcha!

Every Halloween in my early childhood we would turn out all the lights in the house, so trick or treaters would think we weren’t home. We would honestly sit in the dark until trick or treat was over. The window in my bedroom faced our street and I used to peak my head out the window to watch kids in costumes walk down the road with their giant bags of candy. I used to think about how fun it looked, and would dream about the costumes I would wear if given the opportunity. Even though the devils night was supposed to scare me, I always was curious about the holiday, probably because it was forbidden.

I have memories of an older cousin going as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz one year. She had ruby red slippers and everything! I remember being obsessed with the costume when I’d visit their house. I want to say I was allowed to borrow the ruby slippers, or maybe I tried them on. It was all very confusing to me that my cousins and the neighborhood kids were allowed to dress up and have fun on this holiday that seemed to be made for kids and I was not allowed to. The costumes weren’t evil or scary. I mean, I guess some could be. I would have wanted to dress up as Ariel or Belle. Where’s the evil in that? But I was told that that’s how the devil gets in. He’s cunning and makes things that are evil look like fun! It’s a slippery slope to damnation.

My church would put on a fall festival every year. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my deconstruction of Evangelical Christianity, it was a whole lot about control. Your kids want to dress up? Come to the church function dressed up! We will have hayrides, games, and do all the things that sinners do, but we will pray first or have a sermon. Bring your kids to this controlled CHRISTIAN environment where they will be safe. I had a blast at these festivals though, as I had many church friends and church was really the only place where I had friends being homeschooled.

As I got older, my mom tried to make things a little more interesting on Halloween night. We would make appetizers for dinner and retreat to the basement of our completely dark split level house and watch Young Frankenstein. We held this tradition for 2, maybe 3 years. I looked forward to it. It was better than watching kids out my window in a completely dark room. Even to this day Young Frankenstein is on my list of movies to watch during the season.

Once I hit my high school years, I was living with my dad, we would take my little siblings trick or treating. I remember feeling too old to trick or treat, as it was no longer taboo, but we would carve pumpkins and do other fall festive things.

Personally, I feel like I was robbed of a childhood when it comes to trick or treating. I have this fantasy of walking down sidewalks with all my neighborhood pals collecting candy and TP-ing houses that didn’t give out candy. Fun fact, I’ve ALWAYS wanted to TP a house. I think it’s the funniest trick! I know I have a very “Hollywood” idea of Halloween. I’m sure it’s nothing like the movies or tv shows. I am also certain I’d probably not be obsessed with the holiday as an adult if I was allowed to celebrate it.

The other day I had an epiphany for a deeper reason why this particular holiday is my favorite. Not because I think it was robbed from me...it was also the only holiday I didn’t have split between parents. After my parents divorced, I split holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and even my birthday between my parents. Splitting holidays between parents was always hard, my mom would say things that would make me feel guilty for leaving her to go to my dads. She didn’t have any family local, I didn’t really understand, I just wanted to see my dad and family. I don’t think she realized how projecting her own feelings onto me made me feel. I grew to hate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and even my birthday. After my mom moved to Tennessee, there was pressure to travel there for the holidays because again, didn’t have any local family. I’m not trying to make my mom look like a bad mom, just noting the hardships of divorced parents over state lines. It was a lot of pressure to put on a teenager who doesn’t have a car or a license to travel for holidays they don’t even enjoy anymore.

Halloween is safe.

Halloween is mine.

Halloween can be whatever I want it to be and I can celebrate it however I wish.